“How can you be positive? Aren’t you a lesbian?”

Were the first jokey words my HIV consultant said to me. In “jest”.
He actually didn’t know he had hit a nail on the head, I was HIV positive and I had recently been in a violent relationship with a man but mainly had relationships with women:  I was as confused as he.

Now,  I do know about the “birds and the bees” and am no virtuous “invert” from a Victorian age, but  I was confused and frustrated with myself for getting into this predicament (the violent man, the HIV transmission).
I was sat across from a colleague, who was now my consultant.

That is the only time any mention of my being other than heterosexual has been mentioned at clinic (and it was the statement about being a lesbian given above).
I have been in and out of clinic and hospital for 12 + years now.
I have not been asked who I am seeing sexually and how I am doing re my sexual health and wellbeing.

I am open about my HIV status and have an openness about being bi sexual but I know when old friends guess my status, for I speak to it online, they are confused.
“How can you be positive? Aren’t you a lesbian?”
It’s a bit of a theme.

Since diagnosis, I have for reasons unknown, had male sexual partners.
Sex has been unfulfilling because despite all the information I and Ms Google and the wonderful people at NAM, NAT , and  i– base provide, often my male partners have had a fear of pleasuring me orally. I guess heterosexual WLHIV in this predicament may feel the same: frustrated and dirty would be wording that covers the spectrum of feelings I experience. It’s my favourite sexual  thing, goddam!

I would be interested to hear from others…

but I never speak about this in peer support groups, I havn’t really queried why, am I self-stigmatising myself here?
Oral pleasure hits “the spot” for me but when I ask for it most of my lovers simply havn’t been able to “go there”. They havn’t been able to really explain why  and I know they have been able to with other women.

It  leaves me thinking it’s a fear of  HIV transmission thing (if I am feeling generous) or misogynistic if I am not in generosity at the time (being in arousal and frustrated and near my edge when hand, fingers, penis or toy ain’t going to get me to where I want to be).

So now I have a male companion we have a platonic relationship which is kinda working for me at the moment.

I like being bisexual. At one time I found it liberating. I feel full and rounded that I can feel attracted to someone. A baby fluff hairy ear, a cute nose, a soft breast, a cute butt, a deep voice, a soft voice, eyes you can get lost in… these are what attract me to someone.

But no one talks to me about my being bisexual on the whole, particularly clinically – do I need dental dams and/or condoms?  A question I have never been asked at clinic .
Entering into a relationship I state I am a WLHIV and as appropriate, I discuss that I am bisexual with my lovers.

And there is a bit of silent space that arises around those disclosures.

In which I feel…